Goku is Yamucha and Yamucha is Goku

So, hey, a few posts back I tried to prove Yamucha was the father of Goku (and I did so quite scientifically, I might add). Even Vegetto EX admitted on The Podcast in Which My Greatness is Eternally Enshrined that my argument was tighter than my underpants since I was locked in a McDonalds for two months with nothing to eat but Big Macs (which explains my own absence). But I encountered a problem near the end when I remembered Goten can become a Super Saiyan. All sources also state clearly that Goten is half-Saiyan. Oh oh, spaghetti-o’s!

After literally days of coming up with complex theories to explain this, such as Yamucha’s sperm using its genetic bandit skills to steal the Super Saiyan gene from one of Goku’s somehow still surviving sperm lying about inside Chichi. What? The guy somehow survived Namek blowing up. I think his sperm can too. Or perhaps, the power of Goku’s spooge infused Chichi’s HFIL with Super Saiyan power. So THAT’S why the curtains don’t match the drapes.

Realising I was getting bogged down in a lot of gross to think about semantics, I decided to use Occam’s Razor. After cutting myself with it for that sweet relief, I further decided to simplify the problem and came to a solution.

Yamucha is Goku.

That said, I am not saying this ever happened, or could ever happen. For one, Yamucha is so bad at banditry, he couldn't even steal Photoshop. Thank you, don't forget to tip!

Or to be more exact Yamucha is Kakkarot.

Third class weakling? No use to anyone? Sent far far away so as not to bother anyone? Sounds like Yamucha to me.

Think about it, peeps. If Goku was so useless, how did he become the greatest in the universe, et cetera. And don’t you give me any of that shonen spirit bullshit either. Kakkarot’s weakness was verified by SCIENCE. You want to doubt the power of science versus spirit? Go outside, stare at a rock and say “Even with enough hard work and belief my face can smash this rock with ease.” then smash your face into it. Go ahead, do it.

DO IT!

So, here’s the deal. As a weak Saiyan, Yamucha got bundled into a space pod and sent to Earth. There he had his tail cut off somehow. What? I don’t have to explain how, it happens all the time to these Earth-based Saiyans. Vegeta got his cut off and he only stopped by the planet for half a day. His genetic heritage was never revealed because he was so third class even Big Brother Raditz never would have suspected such a low battle power could be that of a Saiyan.

So who the fuck is Goku then? It doesn’t really matter. Some baby. Maybe some super Broly-esque baby who got sent away for being way too awesome.

I said, he couldn't even steal Photoshop! I tells ya. As this image proves to great effect.

“But Yamucha doesn’t look like Bardock and Goku does!” So what? Non-related lookalikes crop up all the time. Many sports stars and celebrities have lookalikes for advertising and the like. I myself am a dead ringer for Brad Pitt despite not being related to him at all.

“But the Bardock special, like Clarissa, explains it all!” Non-canon, about on the same level as fan fiction, i.e. this. Who are you going to believe; me or “Planet Namek will explode in five minutes” Toei? What’s Bardock’s role in the manga? One panel where Freeza mistakenly connects Goku to him. Wow.

Let’s recap. Two Saiyans arrive on Earth about the same time. One is crap (that’s Yamucha). Years later, Raditz arrives and having the type of ego a guy with that kind of hair must have, assumes the non-crap power is his brother, Kakkarot. He was mistaken, as Goku is obviously not third-class.

So there you have it. Yamucha is a weakling Saiyan whose genetics allowed his offspring, Goten, to more easily become a Super Saiyan due to that whole hybrid thing making them stronger. In fact, Trunks, fathered by a high class Saiyan, learned to transform before lame-duck Goten because, hey, Goten is NOT the son of Super Goku but 3rd Class Yamucha.

And that’s the end of that.

Now this one is so bad tha-- well, that isn't half bad actually. Nice colour coordination.

Okay, one more thing. I know Haters and Jealousites will turn up and go “A-boo-boo, Goten and Trunks could only turn Super Saiyan because their dads could turn Super Saiyan before impregnating their partners so that proves Yamucha couldn’t… blah blah and so on.”

But, like, dude, there’s no evidence of that. It seems to me that Goten and Trunks can transform early merely due to their half-Saiyan nature. “A-boo-boo, but what about Gohan, he had to train in the Room of Getting Really High and Time?” Well, yes but Gohan is an emotionally crippled idiot whose Rainman-style fighting prowess comes in the form of that Incredible Hulk thing he does. Goten and Trunks don’t do any of that crap, instead they just power up like normal people, like the midget monk or the triclops.

Using Gohan as a standard for a comparison is like using Vegeta as an example of the evils of both adoption (although social services should have at least had a chat with Freeza) and having bed-head all the time. They’re too unique to work in that context.

So with a minimum of plotholes we arrive to a clear, sensible and probably canon solution; Yamucha is a third class Saiyan sent to Earth for being too weak. There, he used his still above average strength to live in a desert and spend way too much time with a transforming cat. He would go on to impregnate console Chichi while her husband, Broly-esque wunderkind Goku was dying of heart disease. Unaware of his heritage, Yamucha and Chichi calm down about baby Goten once he turned Super Saiyan, Chichi believing she got pregnant from sharing a toilet seat with Goku. Goten would eventually have learned the truth in some sort of Watchmen/Dr. Manhattan/Silk Spectre moment but with less rape.

The end…?