After literally days of coming up with complex theories to explain this, such as Yamucha’s sperm using its genetic bandit skills to steal the Super Saiyan gene from one of Goku’s somehow still surviving sperm lying about inside Chichi. What? The guy somehow survived Namek blowing up. I think his sperm can too. Or perhaps, the power of Goku’s spooge infused Chichi’s HFIL with Super Saiyan power. So THAT’S why the curtains don’t match the drapes.

Realising I was getting bogged down in a lot of gross to think about semantics, I decided to use Occam’s Razor. After cutting myself with it for that sweet relief, I further decided to simplify the problem and came to a solution.

Yamucha is Goku.

That said, I am not saying this ever happened, or could ever happen. For one, Yamucha is so bad at banditry, he couldn't even steal Photoshop. Thank you, don't forget to tip!

Or to be more exact Yamucha is Kakkarot.

Third class weakling? No use to anyone? Sent far far away so as not to bother anyone? Sounds like Yamucha to me.

Think about it, peeps. If Goku was so useless, how did he become the greatest in the universe, et cetera. And don’t you give me any of that shonen spirit bullshit either. Kakkarot’s weakness was verified by SCIENCE. You want to doubt the power of science versus spirit? Go outside, stare at a rock and say “Even with enough hard work and belief my face can smash this rock with ease.” then smash your face into it. Go ahead, do it.

DO IT!

So, here’s the deal. As a weak Saiyan, Yamucha got bundled into a space pod and sent to Earth. There he had his tail cut off somehow. What? I don’t have to explain how, it happens all the time to these Earth-based Saiyans. Vegeta got his cut off and he only stopped by the planet for half a day. His genetic heritage was never revealed because he was so third class even Big Brother Raditz never would have suspected such a low battle power could be that of a Saiyan.

So who the fuck is Goku then? It doesn’t really matter. Some baby. Maybe some super Broly-esque baby who got sent away for being way too awesome.

I said, he couldn't even steal Photoshop! I tells ya. As this image proves to great effect.

“But Yamucha doesn’t look like Bardock and Goku does!” So what? Non-related lookalikes crop up all the time. Many sports stars and celebrities have lookalikes for advertising and the like. I myself am a dead ringer for Brad Pitt despite not being related to him at all.

“But the Bardock special, like Clarissa, explains it all!” Non-canon, about on the same level as fan fiction, i.e. this. Who are you going to believe; me or “Planet Namek will explode in five minutes” Toei? What’s Bardock’s role in the manga? One panel where Freeza mistakenly connects Goku to him. Wow.

Let’s recap. Two Saiyans arrive on Earth about the same time. One is crap (that’s Yamucha). Years later, Raditz arrives and having the type of ego a guy with that kind of hair must have, assumes the non-crap power is his brother, Kakkarot. He was mistaken, as Goku is obviously not third-class.

So there you have it. Yamucha is a weakling Saiyan whose genetics allowed his offspring, Goten, to more easily become a Super Saiyan due to that whole hybrid thing making them stronger. In fact, Trunks, fathered by a high class Saiyan, learned to transform before lame-duck Goten because, hey, Goten is NOT the son of Super Goku but 3rd Class Yamucha.

And that’s the end of that.

Now this one is so bad tha-- well, that isn't half bad actually. Nice colour coordination.

Okay, one more thing. I know Haters and Jealousites will turn up and go “A-boo-boo, Goten and Trunks could only turn Super Saiyan because their dads could turn Super Saiyan before impregnating their partners so that proves Yamucha couldn’t… blah blah and so on.”

But, like, dude, there’s no evidence of that. It seems to me that Goten and Trunks can transform early merely due to their half-Saiyan nature. “A-boo-boo, but what about Gohan, he had to train in the Room of Getting Really High and Time?” Well, yes but Gohan is an emotionally crippled idiot whose Rainman-style fighting prowess comes in the form of that Incredible Hulk thing he does. Goten and Trunks don’t do any of that crap, instead they just power up like normal people, like the midget monk or the triclops.

Using Gohan as a standard for a comparison is like using Vegeta as an example of the evils of both adoption (although social services should have at least had a chat with Freeza) and having bed-head all the time. They’re too unique to work in that context.

So with a minimum of plotholes we arrive to a clear, sensible and probably canon solution; Yamucha is a third class Saiyan sent to Earth for being too weak. There, he used his still above average strength to live in a desert and spend way too much time with a transforming cat. He would go on to impregnate console Chichi while her husband, Broly-esque wunderkind Goku was dying of heart disease. Unaware of his heritage, Yamucha and Chichi calm down about baby Goten once he turned Super Saiyan, Chichi believing she got pregnant from sharing a toilet seat with Goku. Goten would eventually have learned the truth in some sort of Watchmen/Dr. Manhattan/Silk Spectre moment but with less rape.

The end…?

Author insert a music with WS Audio Player.
(Download) this music.

Julian Grybowski, he of Daizenshuu EX, once translated the lyrics of this wonderful song to English. Of course Japanese is a very temperamental language where nothing is what it seems, innocent sounding phrases have deeper meaning and basically, are inscrutable to even the most logical of men. Like women. With the talking and the shoe shopping and hot flashes. Dames!

So I’m going to take a look at, and revise when necessary, Julian’s (we’re on a first name basis as of… now. He just doesn’t know yet) work. That way, I don’t have to do much, making this my favourite type of post besides the non-existent ones I made for the last few months. Issues I have with the translation will be highlighted in some colour or another and expanded upon below.

That's right, losing to Triclops in the first round got Yamucha an insert song. He didn't even get one when the Saibaiman blew up. Ronri urufu! Parts of you are over there!

With cool looks and a hot heart,
I am the rumored nice guy, (Yamcha!)
Incredibly strong, but clueless when it comes to women,
I have dreams where even the flowers blush!

There are a few issues here with this first set of lyrics. “Hot heart” is obviously a terrible translation of “heart burn” for one. Really, the meaning of that line is more that while Yamucha’s teeth are chattering due to having to experience the cold desert nights, his heart is aflame because, shit, all those instant noodles he eats aren’t good for you.

I don’t know what “rumored nice guy” means. Is it anything like “rumoured nice guy”? Score one for European snobbery! Face, America! Okay, but yeah, who’s spreading rumours that Yamucha is a nice guy? The next part reveals all: Yamucha, that’s who. He uses multiple sock puppet accounts to support his own opinions, just like I do on Daizex with all my female alt accounts. Yes, I am EVERY female account on Daizex. I am a sad, lonely man. I also do voice work under the name “Chris Sabat.” The balls are inert you guys! See? See?

Anyway, “Incredibly strong” is a lie. Just check the Manga Review for that. Clueless when it comes to women is pretty good though. Let’s face it, this is how Yamucha “operates.”

1. Staggers into bed and pulls at your pants
2. Quickly pulls down his pants
3. Finishes
4. Asks if it was good for you
5. Leaves

Note: Points 3,4 and 5 are near simultaneous.

Note 2: I really hope this wasn’t your first sex ed class otherwise your parents are going to be pissed at me.

“I have dreams where even the flowers blush” is just insane Japanese lyrical bullshit. THE FLOWERS BLUSH WHILE YOUR HEAD IS EMPTY AS YOU GOTTA POWAA ON A BALL!! It also implies Yamucha has a scat fetish wherein he shits on flowers to fertilize them. You may think that’s gross but at least he’s helping the environment.

A blushing flower, yesterday. Not pictured: poop.

Second Verse

Intoxicated by a bouquet of love,
You’ve always been the one I’ve set my gaze on!
Don’t turn away, stay here,
Because I get weak in front of your eyes!

The first line makes sense if you’ve seen Batman & Robin. “You can’t send me to dah coolah!” “What killed da dinosaws? Da ice age!” Anyway, in that Poison Ivy uses magic flower stuff to make Batman and Robin horny for her. I think this is the same thing but I’m not a Japanese expert. I still marked it as it’s a pretty obscure reference seeing as only 8 people saw Batman & Robin.

The next three lines fantastically capture the manipulation Yamucha, and by extention every man ever, goes through in order to get laid. “Oh, I’m so shy and coy, hee hee. I always liked you and you make me feel so happy… so turn around! Stay there! Ass up! Rotate 34 degrees clockwise! I said clockwise! Who’s your daddy?! Was it good for you I’ll call you k thanks bai”

Chorus

Lonely Wolf! Yamcha of the Desert!
When the light of the stars hits my heart,
Lonely Wolf! Even though the wind howls,
My footprints will remain!

The first line is pretty transparent: Yamucha is a chronic masturbator. “When the light of the stars hits my heart” is probably something to do with open heart surgery, probably due to the earlier mentioned heartburn. Just remember, champ, just because Pu’reh can transform into a surgeon doesn’t mean he has any skills in that department.

“Even though the wind howls, my footprints will remain” is just scientifically bunk. The flow of gases on a large scale will obviously destabilise the foot-shaped indentation you put into sand. It’s just science, scientifically speaking. You’d have to be on the moon or walking in quick-dry cement for your footprints to remain. Now, it might be a reference to Yamucha hoping to be on the Hollywood Walk of Fame some day but, really, the git has no hope in hell of that ever happening. Scientifically speaking.

Don't spray around Pu'reh's mouth, Ema. You'll be grossed out by what you find, scientifically speaking.

Stanza the Third

Battling with guts, without showing tears,
I’m always a nice guy, (Yamcha!)
With an engines-full-throttle turbo feeling,
I run full-speed towards tomorrow!

“Battling with guts” should, obviously, be sumo wrestling. Obviously Julian has NEVER been to Japan or he would know this, geez. “Without showing tears” is something a crybaby would say. Real people who don’t cry don’t run around bragging about it. Besides, as Sesame Street taught us, it’s all right to cry sometimes. Yamucha obviously has crippling emotional problems.

This is further proved by the line “I’m always a nice guy” which in the original draft was followed up by “so why does my crush always date bad boys? I’m nice, damn it! So why can’t she get it through her thick head that she should be with me?! Maybe if I wallflower enough she’ll understand I’m her true love!”

When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you

The rest of the verse is gibberish because, it’s quite clear to me, Julian just ran the Japanese lyrics through Babelfish. Yes, Julian Grybowski does not, in fact, know any Japanese! I expect this revelation to be silenced by those “in power” but for now, there’s the truth.

4th Verse

I want to make a promise of love,
But tying a ribbon makes me too weak all at once!
Don’t come any closer, stay there,
Because I love everything about you!

I’m just going to say this (because this is getting to be more work than I thought). If Yamucha can’t tie a ribbon (around the old oak tree, I presume) to signify affection, just want until Bulma expects a proposal. Oh right, that never happened. I wonder why.

The second two lines as translated are, I admit, a decent literal rendition but within the context of the character, the following would communicate the meaning better; “I’m leaving you. It’s not you, it’s me. You’re a super girl though.” He will then block your phone number forever.

Verse 5 That’s Almost Like the Chorus

Lonely Wolf! Yamcha of the Wild!
As soon as the Southern Cross shines down,
Lonely Wolf! Towards the sky,
My world will be burning for you!

I think the first line means Yamucha pees in bushes. I can see why Julian wanted to obscure that. However, I am on a search for truth and must leave no yellow stained stone unturned.

The last three lines are just about understandable. It seems to be saying that when the Southern Cross, a constellation made of five main stars, shines down, the world will burn in a sea of flames and agony. As the Southern Cross is the smallest of the 88 modern constellations, I would agree that for it to be bright enough to literally shine down on us, it would need the destructive solar power output that could doom us all.

I’m not really sure what that tells us, but I guess it makes for a powerful moment in the song. “I’m shy around girls and now our faces will all mellllllt (Yam-u-cha!)”

After that, we get another rendition of the chorus as we fade out.

Cat loves Super Nova! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Conclusions

After all that, there are some general conclusions we can draw about the song “Wolf Hurricane.” The main one is that it’s misogynistically gibberish. Most of the song has to be with Yamucha’s wang and his bizarre fetishes and no, this isn’t me projecting, not even, shut up.

Second, we see how a more tightened translation (by me) can change the meaning of the song from the more censorious version by Julian. I appreciate why he tried to make the song lyrics more neutral and PG, but I am anti-censorship.

Third, I don’t think I can go back to Daizenshuu EX for a while. Every single user referenced in the article will now hate me for being even tenuously connected to this article. I wrote it and even I don’t know what the hell is going on. Sorry, everyone!

But you know, character sites usually try to “big up” their character, to make them seem more important and impressive in order to recruit more followers into their cult. So here’s my attempt at this today.

Yamucha is the father of Goten and you can’t prove me wrong.

What? No! Don't look! Not evidence!

Conventional wisdom has it that sometime prior to the Cell Games, Goku and Chichi got it on in a bow-chikka-chikka scene covered in fantastic gynecological detail in several fine Dragon Ball hentai publications. Which is, of course, nonsense. Goku has no sex drive. Unless Chichi told him it was a type of sandwich there is no way that happened.

Besides, the entire Artificial Human/Cell arc took place in May of 767 according to the Daizenshu’s and Goten was born that same year. Did Chichi pop this kid out early or something? Maybe something heavy fell on her stomach and Goten was shot out of her like a cannonball. PEW PEW PEW!

But let’s say we just accept this. Chichi got knocked up around the Cell Games. If it was earlier, she would have shown some sign of pregnancy such as irrationality, a foul temper and… oh. So when did Goku get it on? When all this Artificial Human shit was going down? When he was dying of heart disease? When he was lounging around with Gohan prior to the tournament itself?

No. Goku is not the father. But who would have the opportunity, the motive and the means to impregnate a lonely housewife.

Cat loves lonely housewives! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Bingo.

Goku’s dying. Chichi is vulnerable. Yamucha feels the need to assert his manliness after Old Man Artificial Human brought him to the brink of the death. That whole losing Bulma to the Prince of Widow’s Peaks probably still rankled too. So, probably while the both of them were doped up from stealing Goku’s medication, Yamucha and Chichi pounded one out. And then, boom baby!

Now, I know you’re saying “That’s stupid. Chibi Goten looks EXACTLY like Goku as a kid. Explain that, Mr. Delicious.” To which I say, “So what?” Half the male cast share the same face anyway. Style Yamucha’s hair and put some make up over those scars and he could double for almost everyone except Kuririn. Hell, in close ups when you can’t see the full outline of his hair, his scars are the only thing to distinguish him from Goku anyway. I know Chichi styling his hair like Goku’s is enough to fool the unobservant Saiyan but I didn’t think you people would fall for it too. For shame.

And later in the series, when Chichi forgets to keep up the pretense, what do we get? The truth, that’s what.

Whoa, even I can't tell 'em apart!

So there you have it. Irrefutable proof that Yamucha is the father of Goten. With that, I say– Huh? How does Goten become a Super Saiyan if he’s the son of Chichi and Yamucha? That’s a very interesting question!

…

Bye!

Anyway, even if you haven’t it doesn’t matter because I’m not going to spoil any of it. Suffice to say, Yamucha is in it so I’ll cover it sometime, but not today.

No, this is something much more sinister. A conspiracy that exposes the dark heart of Yamucha himself. This is very complicated sciencey type stuff so let me know if you can’t keep up, okay?

'Derp derp. I'm Goku. Derpa derpa DERP!

Above you see Yamucha, Kuririn and Goku having a jolly good time. Well, the first two are. Goku is as nonplussed as usual. One thing is plainly clear. Okay, two things.

The first, which has nothing to do with this article but bears mentioning is that Yamucha’s gi is just hanging off of him. Obviously he’s lost a lot of mass since he last put this on. The only explanation is that Yamucha, at this time, is a horrible alcoholic and has drank/drinked/drunked his body away until it is a jaundiced ridden mass of barely functioning sinew.

But while boo hoo, his liver doesn’t work and he’s dying slowly and painfully both emotionally and physically, is sad and everything it’s nothing compared to the next revelation.

Yamucha is going grey.

Take that! Decisive evidence, your honour.

Compare the hair! Kuririn and Goku’s measure in on the hex scale between “1C1C1C” and “1D1D1D.” A perfectly fine dark hair colour. Meanwhile, Yamucha clocks in at around “32383F” which is a woeful blue grey.

And it isn’t just that scene either. Again, and again, and again, Yamucha’s hair is shown to be several degrees of grey higher than his other dark haired contemporaries. Well, I’ve never seen Tenshinhan’s hair but I always assumed he’d have a ‘fro like Mr. Satan, hence the shaved head. Ooh, maybe he’s naturally bald, that would make Yamucha look a little better for losing the race against time.

You might be asking what’s the big deal. After all, a bit more realism with the aging process might be a nice touch in Dragon Ball. Well I say, bollocks to that. Why does Yamucha have to age anyway? When they wanted to age Chichi a couple of decades they just pinned her hair back and left it at that. Isn’t that good enough? The yellow suit already screams mid-life crisis.

However, before your heart is frozen at the prospect of our hero growing old and decrepit before eventually dying in some desert-based nursing home let’s step into the Grand Tour which is set some 18 years or so after the events of the special.

Yamucha plans to take those three plucky Englishmen behind him to the States, baby! They've already taken Amsterdam by storm. New York, look out!

As Star Wolf would say, what the heck!? Look at that glossy hair, slicked back and put into a ponytail. While looking like a European music agent that doesn’t change the fact that his hair is now black.

Now, I know some of you are thinking; well, GT isn’t canon. The special probably isn’t canon. It’s a inconsistency. GT came out over a decade before the special anyway, so how could they know Yamucha would go grey? The special probably didn’t intend to imply Yamucha was going grey anyway. Blah blah blah.

These are fine theories, but a theory here on Yamucha Densetsu is worthless if it’s fundamentally uninteresting as those above are. The logical conclusion is that, at over 60 years of age, Yamucha has decided to dye his hair.

And really, who knows how long he’s been doing it. Sure, this grey hair first appears two years after the defeat of Majin Boo but that could have been the one day he forgot to put the stuff in, due to his alcoholism referenced above. Is this why Bulma dumped him, because his curtains didn’t match his drapes? They release new guides over in Japan and they don’t cover this? What’s wrong with these people!?

Luckily, while Japan is wasting its time, the Yamucha Densetsu blows the lid off the things that really matter to the Dragon Ball community.

Dragon Ball “Jump Super Anime Tour” Special images kindly pilfered from Daizenshuu EX board member SatoSky. Thanks muchly!

Okay, we’re now on Chapter 16 of the manga and although it’s still a bit quiet as far as Yamucha is regarded things are beginning to heat up and will make for something, I hope, next chapter.

Of course, that will be then and this is now. The Japanese chapter title translates itself as Rabbit Ears while VIZ have decided to dispense with their bad puns, the only reason to localise anyway, and call it “One Goal, One Enemy.” This has little to do with this chapter and would seem to fit better for the next chapter but they do have a terrible pun lined up for that, which is probably why they switched these around.

As things kick off, the terrible trio of Bulma, Goku and Oolong continue west as Yamucha tails them in the Silver Star Mark 4.

Actually, I tell a lie. Yamucha has taken the opportunity to laze in the passenger’s seat as Pu’reh tries to pilot the hovercraft car thing! Pu’reh obviously cannot see over the dashboard but damn if he’s not doing his level best to keep this thing on the road as Yamucha chuckles evilly.

The trio pull into a village and go to get some petrol. I say petrol, damnit, because I am European. It is a abbreviation of petroleum spirit. Get over it. Anyway, everyone freaks out at Bulma and runs screaming because STD’s radiate from every pore of her being. I’m just kidding, I like Bulma. I’m sure she takes regular penicillin injections.

As she wanders about town in her Playboy Bunny outfit, she chalks up this reaction to her being just too damn hot for everyone. Right. Meanwhile, Oolong tries to tell the petrol, PETROL, stand attendant he’ll have to wait to be paid until Bulma returns (because that would work). And it does work, because the attendant freaks out and insists their PETROLEUM SPIRIT is on the house.

Meanwhile, Bulma bags herself some free capsules as the shopkeeper is also too scared to refuse her. She chalks this up to being really hot and decides to score herself some free clothes while she’s at it. More Meanwhile, Yamucha pokes his head around a corner, keeping tabs on the PETROL station, noting that “the girl” must be shopping. Boy, women, am I right? With the shopping and the gossip and the lots of pairs of shoes!

As all the excitement of watching and waiting and shopping enthralls us, two goons in rabbit ears (see where this is going?) turn up and start acting like dicks. When Bulma changes into her new outfit, she gets yelled at for not being part of the Rabbit Mob and is presumably forced to pay for her clothes. Now no-one stares at Sarah, Plain and Tall as she returns to the car, Yamucha noting her return (Yes, he really doesn’t do much this chapter at all).

The goons who, spoiler, are part of the Rabbit Mob continue to act like jerks. They steal fruit, ask people who didn’t say anything what they said and kick children for crossing the street. They act a lot like me, actually. They then try and harass Bulma but she only puts out for vaguely attractive men so she declines.

Of course, being jerks, they think “No” is “Just a yes that needs a little convincing. With a gun.” Bulma isn’t too worried though. She just tells Goku to beat up the bad guys and he promptly does. He finishes by shoving Nyoibo up one of the goon’s ass. Because he can, I guess.

In the shadows, Yamucha remarks that he wishes more idiots would attack Goku, not realising that his stupid ‘plan’ would make him the latest idiot to do so. The chapter ends with the goons radioing their boss and all the townspeople freak the fuck out. It’s all “Run for your lives!! You doomed us all!! You fools, you don’t realise what you’ve dooooone!!” type stuff.

Okay, so Yamucha got six panels this chapter which is just one less than last time, but a lot less dialogue. Still, this isn’t a bad chapter all in all. It certainly doesn’t have the same “get on with it” feel as some of them do. Remember, Dragon Ball was a weekly serialisation. It’s easy to breeze through a volume now but imagine waiting a week for the next chapter and then seeing Bulma dig around in some rocks or some shit, then having to wait ANOTHER week for something to happen.

Anyway, next chapter the boss of the Rabbit Mob arrives and Yamucha actually gets to do something. It also begins the push of making Yamucha part of the main group which will grab him more screen time by default. So, look forward to that.

Holy shit, I got linked!
Holy shit, by a Yamucha fan site!
Holy shit, this means people visit here!
Holy shit, they’re going to make fun of him!
Holy shit, I’m out of business!

Look out for Mister Satan Densetsu, coming soon from me. Sob. Who else do I like? Butta. Oh God, can you imagine a Butta Densetsu? If you thought this place was barren…

Does this count as an update? Hell yeah it does.

As such, all spelling conventions are those the Jinja use and not my own.

10. Yamucha inspired me to make this site. That has got to count for something. For someone so untalented and neglected to give me this much pity and interest is quite an accomplishment.

9. Yamucha helped the Z team fight the Saiya-jins, well, he would if he didn’t die fighting a Saibaiman. He never once gave up or quit fighting. It was an all-out attack. This showed how brave Yamucha is. He died honourably by turning his back and acting cocky.

8. Yamucha fought lots of strong people and forced them to beat him. For a human to force anyone to kick his ass, is an impressive feat. He fought hard but was no match for… mostly everyone.

7. Yamucha still appreciated what Kame Sennin had done for him even after he kept sucking following his training. This was an interesting choice in Dragon Ball. It seems like Yamucha’s blasse attitude towards life was showcased here. Yamucha did not want to stay in the current life path, but did not want to become remotely competent either. This was a great act of laziness which is an accomplishment for a DB character.

6. Yamucha saved Goku’s life by dragging his carcass back to his home when he had that heart thing going on. Suppressing his urge to keep losing battles against the Artifical Humans was a great surprise coming from one of the human fighters, and really showed how much stronger morally Yamucha was than the rest of the humans.

5. Yamucha once beat Rikum in some filler. Vegeta, Kuririn, and Gohan combined couldn’t even defeat Rikum! Obviously, this is an inconsistency and a filler, but nonetheless is part of the series. Even if it’s far-fetched, the intent was to pad out Freeza Saga episodes and make me want to scartch my eyes out.

4. Yamucha introduced and perfected classic techniques like the Roga Fufu Ken and the Sokidan. Both of these attacks allow the user to be defeated within seconds of using them. No other attack does this. The Kamehame Ha was used countless times by both Gokou and Kuririn but he didn’t come up with that one.

3. Yamucha was eliminated in the first round of the 22nd Tenkaichi Budokai. This is the middle of a remarkable losing streak of first round eliminations by our hero. However, no-one in the series recognises this monumentous achievement.

2. Yamucha once kicked two cronies in the head and stopped Bulma from being a carrot for the rest of her life. If Bulma stayed a carrot, Vegeta wouldn’t have had sex with her (maybe, you never know with that giant widow’s peak with a person attached) and mellowed out, therefore Yamucha did his part to save the world against Buu.

1. Yamucha is the strongest human on earth. Well, at least the third strongest. Maybe. This is quite an accomplishment! If you disagree, remember, Chaozu really, really sucks.

So, last time (erm, more than a half year ago) Kame Sennin blew up Mount Frypan and Yamucha somehow knew everything, ever, about the Kamehame Ha. Just like last chapter, Yamucha doesn’t have a headline role (and won’t until around Chapter 019!) but he’s there and we’re here so let’s get to it.

The Qi Xing Qiu of the Japanese title for this chapter (The Qi Xing Qiu is Found) refers to the Chinese name used in the series for the 7 star Dragon Ball. VIZ localise this chapter as “At Sixes and Sevens” which is a reference to an old British idiom used in Shakespeare which itself is based off an Ye Olde Englishe dice game that eventually became craps.

What that means, by the way, is that some literati at VIZ obviously feels he needs to channel his superior intellect into Dragon Ball manga chapter titles. Yeah, that masters in English not serving you so well now, eh, buddy boy? Okay, I’ll start the review now.

As everyone stands in the ruins of Gyumao’s castle, Yamucha, still “hiding” behind a wall smaller than he is, remarks that “That’s one old man…” Well, yes. I guess it is, Yamucha. Thanks for sharing. Oh, actually he’s not done. “We do not want to antagonize!” Him and Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino, am I right?

Following this, Goku masters the Kamehame Ha because he’s the Chosen One and all that and no one can be more awesome than him or else the fanboys will piss themselves. Shonen spirit!!

Kame Sennin remembers Son Gohan (the old, dead one) telling him he picked up a boy with a tail. 20 years or so later, he will also remember the part Gohan told him about Goku being found in a crater, inside an alien spacecraft but the cogs in Kame Sennin’s brain seem to move at a glacial pace so don’t be too mad about it.

He then gives Goku a personal invite to be trained by him sometime. This really burns Yamucha’s gears as the old man never takes disciples. Pff, as if training under him ever helped you out anyway, you bum.

Pu’reh decides that this puts an end to the great Dragon Ball scheme for some reason. But it’s only Pu’reh so Yamucha ignores him. After all, he has a plan. Grab his tail somehow then something something MISSION COMPLETE!

But Pureh does point out that Goku just blew up the car with the homing device with his Kamehameha. Yamucha replies that “we’ll just have to tail them — so to speak (hahaha oh I hate you) — from a safe distance.” If it’s that easy why did you give them a car with a homing device in the first place, you berk?

Anyway, the main group find the seven star Dragon Ball, Gyumao gives them a car and Oolong pretends to be Bulma and lets Kame Sennin “puff-puff” away at his breasts, which says a lot more about Oolong than the Turtle Hermit, to be honest.

Eventually, they leave and Yamucha seizes the moment and begins to drive after them. But, oh no, Gyumao’s car is too fast for them! Luckily, Yamucha remembers he actually has a better car, the Silver Star Mark 4, in a capsule and now Akira Toriyama can draw something new next chapter Yamucha can keep up with the others.

The final shot of the chapter shows our heroes (barf) driving onward, with only one Dragon Ball to go, with Yamucha and Pu’reh about 10 feet behind them. Good thing Gyumao’s car doesn’t have rear view mirrors, although that probably breaks some laws somewhere, even out in the sticks. But it’s a known fact rear view mirrors, like air bags and seat belts and emergency services, kill more people than they save anyway so I’m all for this stylistic choice.

What the hell? This review is even shorter than the last one and that had even less Yamucha! Do you know why? Because nothing happens in this chapter. It’s pretty much all about Goku, Bulma and Oolong taking their damn time shuffling off from the smoldering ruins of Gyumao’s house. And people say the anime had filler?

Speaking of filler; Did you know my first manga review was only 687 words long? I seem to do around 900 on average with chapters where nothing happens. Also, wasn’t the Garlic Jr. arc lame or what?

Still, if you thought these last two chapters were bad for Yamucha, wait until you see next chapter. It technically has more of our hero, it’s true but… well, you’ll see.

Dragon Ball Z Infinite World is, to this uninformed consumers eye, like some sort of Budokai series retrospective where they crammed in a bunch of characters, added some mini-games I really don’t like and then forgot to include a “dur-dur” difficulty setting for folks like me who suck at fighting games and who want to progress by pressing punch a lot.

As you can imagine from a game that promises me more than 40 characters and 100 transformations (it also promises me “live epic battles” which is good, because I’m fed up of playing fighting games on tape delay), our man Yamucha is hardly a priority but he does make the cut, so let’s see what that sucker can do!

For a Budokai retrospective, I was sad they only included two costumes for our guy, but it turns out you unlock the third one (Saiyan arc Yamucha with the long hair) by playing the game. Yes, essentially you have to unlock his first costume last. While I’m “meh” on his whole Artificial Human arc look, I will give this game an epic thumbs up for including Banana Pants Yamucha, my favourite design of the series.

I’m shit at this game and the lagging caused by emulation won’t help so I’m stealthily choosing to train (or undertake “Warrior’s Training” according to this game’s pumped up terminology. You equip capsules in the “Warrior’s Room”. Only warriors can use capsules to buff themselves up, supposedly. I’m sure baseball fans will disagree with me.) so I can whale on my opponent, Son Goku without fear for reprisal. One choice of stage later (I pick the Tenkaichi Tournament grounds. This is the year we reverse the curse, baby!) and we’re off!

To a loading screen. Goku is climbing Karin-To Tower. Yay. God, why can’t we just have loading bars again? Were they so bad!?

Okay, we’re off for reals this time!

The first thing I notice playing this game? Without going through the game to earn Zenni to unlock it, I can’t use the Sokidan! Fuck you, Infinite World. Why do I have to prove my competence at this insanely difficult game just so I can use the ultimate attack of a low-tiered character that 95% of the players won’t even choose?

Luckily, Infinite World’s basic-ish control system means we can easily use Yamucha’s two other techniques. The Kamehameha and the Wolf Fang Fist (yes, I am using the game’s terminology for this article, I’m sure you can mentally dub in your preferred names yourself). Forward and circle for the former, back and circle for the latter. I like Budokai’s controls, for the most part. No half circles or anything that requires to emerge from my little scrub nest. I like it there, it’s warm and safe.

The Kamehameha is pretty much the same as always. It’s a beam, it is blue. It does decent damage. To be honest, half of the players in this game seem to have it and the ones that don’t mostly just have a different name attached to their beam which does the same damage and so on. It’s not very exciting, so let us move on.

So, let you move on. Again, I am no fighting game expert. In fact I’m no fighting game novice. But I can say that the Wolf Fang Fist is probably one of those attacks people who do know about these things would like. With juggling and multiple strikes and all that, I assume it can be useful. You just press back and circle to begin, complete with wolf howl, and then just keep pounding circle to strike over and over until you end with that double fisted strike, sending the opponent flying.

This is the type of move I like because it follows the traditions of my fighting game history. E. Honda’s 100 Hand Slap in Street Fighter II, Nightmare just swinging his giant-ass Zweihänder around in Soul Calibur II repeatedly until someone walks into it and falls down. These are the techniques I can master!

All Yamucha needs to do is make it so I can just use Wolf Fang Fist repeatedly, for the entire battle, until someone jumps into it.

Actually, it appears that Yamucha is considered pretty high-tier, or mid-tier, or maybe he’s “nerfed”. I’m not really sure. Anyway, what I can tell you is that his ‘PPPP’ attack (that’s punch, punch, punch… punch. Or Square four time) is one of the best in the game. This means that Yamucha, in this game at least, is good or something. I think.

And, now, finally, we come to the Spirit Ball (Sokidan). In the game, this is Yamucha’s ultimate attack. I guess it is in the series too, which is profoundly depressing.

To start off this attack, Yamucha needs to whack his opponent far, far away because the time it takes to charge the Spirit Ball is so long, if your opponent is within 20-35 miles of you, they’ll just hover over to you and slap you across the face before you’re done. After that, you engage in some pointless button mashing mini-game to determine whether the attack with fully ‘connect’ or not. Like all such mini-game diversions in fighting games, you’ll like them if you’re good at them, and dislike them if you don’t.

Anyway, you know what happens then. Our main man manoeuvres the ball to hit his opponent repeatedly, which as I’ve said in a previous article, has never happened outside a video game, and his hapless opponent is sent crashing to the earth, where the battle can begin anew.

Of course, because all ultimate attacks are basically small movies, there’s no real difference between them all save for attack power, and in that case, the Spirit Ball is fairly unremarkable. Although if you do lose the tedious mini-game mentioned above, you do get to see the Spirit Ball whack our hero full force into the face! Yay!! Noo!!

And, like, that’s it. Because this is a PS2 Dragon Ball Z fighting game, in all other respects, Yamucha is pretty much like every other character. I’m sure there are dozens of small differences that all add up if you’re not a scrub but it would all be lost on me anyhow.

So then, a review of the last chapter, seeing as I didn’t cover it.

* Goku and Chichi visit Kame Sennin to get the Bashô-Sen
* Kame Sennin threw the fan out because he spilled soup on it. Wah, waaaahhh!
* Kame Sennin agrees to put out the fire on Mount Frypan himself in exchange for a look at Bulma’s boobs. This is only fair as he’s about the only character who hasn’t seen them by this stage.
* They return to Mount Frypan, Kame Sennin begins to puke. VIZ refers to it as hurling, which breaks my heart as we all know the great Irish sport of hurling should not be associated with something as base as vomiting. Right!?

Meanwhile, the last we saw of our own hero, he was relaxing in the Mighty Mouse, a short distance from where Goku and Chichi met up. He plans to relax there until the group of Bulma and company leave for the final Dragon Ball. There he’ll do something and steal them all, somehow. It’s a plan, I’ll give him that.

Let’s see what happens in this chapter, Kame Sennin’s Kamehame Ha!! (Kame Kame Kame Kame Kame Chameleon which is just trying too hard, VIZ, no points for you).

Okay, we kick things off with the Gyumao instantly repenting his misdeeds, he has seen the light, he was blinded by greed, etcetera. Now, this is an about face so brazen, that the only person who tried anything like it was Raditz, and we all know how that turned out. I’m shocked anyone buys this, I mean, the guy is a mass murderer for all intents and purposes! But I guess we’re still chugging along through the gag manga rainforest, so get used to it.

Before anything else gets done, however, Goku has to go over the deal he made with Kame Sennin to Bulma. As usual, she’s outraged for four or five seconds but quickly agrees to bare the goodies but only if he can get the job done. Kame Sennin mocks Gyumao for not being able to deal with the blaze himself, although I’m not sure you can punch or chop an inferno with an axe until it goes out. Next time I’m trapped in a burning building, I’ll have to try it.

Taking off his shirt to reveal an impressive rib-cage, he scales a wall and then suddenly TAKES LOTS OF  STEROIDS! This is his super awesome form which I wish we saw more often. I loved its re-appearance in DBZ Movie 008. (i.e. The One with Broly That Wasn’t As Bad As The Other Two With Broly).

Everyone freaks and Gyumao realises that he’s building the Kamehame Ha. “W-Wasn’t that… some old king of Hawaii… ?!” asks Pu’reh, while Yam– Wait a second… Weren’t you two just hanging out in the Mighty Mouse a few miles away? Wasn’t your plan to stay there and take a nap or something until all this was resolved? Why are you back behind that damn battered wall that doesn’t hide you at all!?

Anyway, Yamucha once more taps into the Exposition Lifeforce to tell us that it’s Kame Sennin’s legendary move, concentrating all his dormant energy into a single focused blast. In other words, energy beam. Of course, we’ll get this one page later when he fires the damn thing, but what harm is there in a little bit of exposition said to no-one in particular, the webmaster of this site said to himself while scratching the inside of his thigh idly.

“The… Kamehame… HA?!” Yamucha demands to know, incredulous with incredulousism. No, dumb-ass, the Kamehame Ba. “Oh, okay, then. Never mind me.” he probably doesn’t reply. Seriously, what is he expecting? Like, what, it won’t be the Turtle Destruction Wave, it’ll turn out to be the Turtle Destruction Rollerblades instead and everyone skates off to flirt and get milkshakes at the local malt shop instead? I hope so, milkshakes rule!

Kame Sennin builds up the Kamehame Ha in that way everyone does. You know, “Ka…  Me…” and all that, before firing off a big-ass blast that makes everyone go “Oh, wow!” and the legendary fire of Mount Frypan is out.

As is the legendary Mount Frypan itself, and Gyumao’s castle too. Wah, waaaaah! “Oh wells.” says Kame Sennin, as everyone falls over comedically. Is the sixth Dragon Ball gone too? Like hell it is. But that’s the dangling mystery as we end the chapter!

So, well, there was two Yamucha panels in this whole chapter. One of him exposition-ing it up, and the other just a reaction shot to Kame Sennin’s big blast of doom. Things won’t be much better next chapter (or indeed, the chapter after that), but there will be a little bit more. It’s the chapter after the chapter after the next chapter that will have some real good Yamucha stuff to sink our teeth into. Hopefully, you can hang in there until then!